Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
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In banana years, I am bread.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.