[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
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[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone