My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
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My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
“and how does that make you feel?”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Bike for sale