Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
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An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
best review i’ve ever seen
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.