I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
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Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.