The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
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You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
*orders delivery*
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
☺️
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.