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I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots