a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
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And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.