The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
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Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?