[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
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2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
A woman drives into a bar.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us