THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
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This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I’m good, thanks.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.