oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
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Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever