My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
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Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Meeeee too!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.