My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
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It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”