You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
You Might Also Like
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant