I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
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‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.