I learned about self care from watching my cat.
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me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back