Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
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ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too