Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
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so this horse walks into a bar
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
*pokes sex life with a stick
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad