You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
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Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them