One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
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Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
This was a bad idea all around
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr