My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
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Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car