Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
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Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Become ungovernable.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.