Answers phone, makes modem noises…
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Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.