Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
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King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
kitchen magnet
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
real
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤