Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
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Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.