Shower sex be like:
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My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Facebook memories be like
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”