Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
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OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.