Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
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me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.