WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
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I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
A new level of troll.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…