It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
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The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes