Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
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I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Good morning!
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I think I’m having a stroke
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
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