You Might Also Like
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.