My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
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I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
let’s discuss
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Rambo Rambow
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
She puts the hot in psychotic
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.