The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”