[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
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meanwhile over on facebook
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
This made me chuckle.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.