Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
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I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day