GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
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Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.