My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
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You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
mentally somewhere in italy
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags