gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
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The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
my one true gender
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.