5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
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This hospital has everything
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.