But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
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How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
i’m sure it’s fine
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila