A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
You Might Also Like
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Cheers Twitter.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps