H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
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Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Meanwhile in Canada…
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.