you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
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A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.