[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
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The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
There’s only one good girl here!
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.