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Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Me sliding into hell like
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.