well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
You Might Also Like
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**