Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
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go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Good morning, Twitter x
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.