It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
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when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat